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  “Are you talking about me, Mark?” asked Jerry.

  “Yes.”

  Jerry stared at the liquid in his glass. Kevin waited for him to defend himself, but he said nothing. Not Mark, Tom, Fred, or him had ever talked about what had happened. Kevin thought if Jerry wanted them to know more about his wife then he would say something. If he wanted them to know more about his family and his life then he would tell them. The awkward feeling in the air persisted. Kevin was going to squirm in his seat if someone didn’t say something and soon.

  “Now we aren’t getting together so we can sit around arguing like a bunch of chuckling hens. We are here to cut up and talk about baseball, women, and apple pie. Got it?” commanded Tom.

  Mark and Jerry nodded.

  “Hey Kevin, something smells pretty good,” said Mark, trying to change the subject.

  “It should. It’s your recipe.”

  “Not again! How come we never try anything different? When you go to Spain, can you look for a different recipe?”

  “So Fred, now I’m going to Spain?”

  “But of course! I hear Spanish women are famous for their cooking, their looks, and their ability to take care of a husband.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Oh, yes.”

  “And where did you hear this, Fred?” asked Kevin.

  “Probably from Tom,” said Jerry with sarcasm.

  “Nope, it wasn’t from me. I haven’t seen a show about Spanish women in months. Well, let me take that back. The guy with all the wives on the talk show didn’t actually mention the nationality of his wives. So I guess one of them could have been Spanish.”

  “Tom, I don’t believe a Spanish woman would share a man,” said Fred with an expression of seriousness.

  “And why is that?” said Mark as he twirled his glass.

  “Well, I just don’t. One Spanish woman is enough for any man.”

  “He doesn’t know. He’s just talking to hear himself talk. Honestly, Fred. You need to get out and live a little. Take some of the money you’ve been rat-holing for years and go somewhere. Get away from your parents for a little while,” said Jerry.

  “But why? I like it here. I see no reason to blow my hard-earned cash to go anywhere else. Especially when I can pretend I went there simply because you guys went. I get the best of both worlds. I’m saving my money for something really big. Plus, I still feel like I visited somewhere and enjoyed myself.”

  Kevin and Mark shook their heads. The boy was getting as bad as Tom. Out of the five of them, only Jerry was married. He didn’t talk about it much, which was either a good sign or a bad sign. Kevin hadn’t decided. Of course, Kevin didn’t ask about it either. He figured one reason Jerry encouraged Kevin to date Angela was because then if they got married, Jerry would no longer be the only married one of the group. But Kevin didn’t know this for sure.

  The five of them sat on the rusty iron furniture on his dilapidated patio and enjoyed the afternoon twilight. Once the food was ready, they ate in relative silence until Jerry spoke up.

  “Tom, I got a question for you. When the guy on the TV show was talking about all his wives, did he say anything about children?”

  Tom chewed and swallowed before speaking. “I don’t remember. But you would think with all those wives, he would have had some children. Now there’s a concept I might be able to wrap my mind around.”

  The men snickered, all except Jerry. Then all was quiet. Nothing but the sound of the wind whistling through the fence could be heard, and then Mark spoke. “Well I’m never having children.”

  Jerry widened his eyes as he said, “Mark, how can you already decide not to have children? You’re not even married yet. Haven’t you thought about passing on your name?”

  “Let me just tell you, children can be a handful—a regular mess. My sister called me last week, laughing so hard I couldn’t hardly understand a word she was saying. I just about hung up and told her to call me back when she settled down. But finally she was able to tell me what was so funny. It seems my nephew was playing outside with a lizard. And they were all there watching him, having some kind of family get-together, I think. And the kid picks up this seven-inch lizard and puts it in his mouth.”

  “Yuck. That’s not funny. It’s just disgusting.”

  “Oh, it gets better, Fred. The boy thought he could just hold the lizard in his mouth and then pull it back out. But when he went to pull the thing, it grabbed a hold of him and tried to crawl down his throat!”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Oh, yeah. The kid was coughing and spitting and gagging. And the adults were laughing so hard they couldn’t even help him! I think my sister told me eventually the poor lizard let go and they were able to get it out. But that’s why I say, no kids for me. They do some of the craziest things.”

  “I think I can do you one better,” said Jerry.

  “How can you do one better than a kid getting choked by a lizard? There is no way you have something better. That is a classic.”

  “Just let me try, okay? My sister remarried, right? And this new guy, well, he dips snuff.”

  “Man, do we have to talk about this stuff? Snuff is more disgusting than a lizard any day.”

  “Fred, please. You’re sounding more sissified every day. You have to get out more. And don’t interrupt; it gets worse. Much worse. Anyway, the new husband dips snuff and he’s bad for leaving his spit bottles all over the place. And my niece is bad for picking up other people’s drinks and drinking them, and well—”

  “Don’t say it! Just don’t say it!” pleaded Tom.

  “I guess you know what happened. My sister said the little girl was warned, but she picked up the bottle and took a big swig anyway. I think she has a listening problem.”

  Fred placed his hand over his mouth. Forming words around it, he said, “Kevin, I think I need to use your bathroom.”

  “What for?”

  “I need to hurl, man. Disgusting!”

  Kevin shook his head at Fred and laughed. “Jerry, does it make you want kids or not?”

  “I don’t know,” said Jerry with a downcast expression.

  Kevin sensed his buddy was hiding something but decided to let it go.

  After the conversation on children, the five of them started discussing their scars. Tom clearly had the most impressive one. When he was younger, he’d jumped over a couch and landed on a crochet hook. It had pierced his skin and went all the way through his arm. The men cringed and grabbed their forearms with moans of fake pain. At the end of the story, Tom puffed out his chest and explained how his step-dad had ripped the thing out. He’d never even seen a doctor for his wound.

  The talk of scars went on for what seemed like hours. During the time Kevin had visitors, only once did one of them go to the bathroom. Of course, it would be Tom. He was the nosiest of the bunch. If anyone could discover Kevin’s disaster of a house, it would be him. Kevin wanted to say, “stay on the path,” like he’d heard in some old movie.

  It appeared Tom went to the bathroom and came straight back. Not a word was said. Kevin had expected him to come back and tell how he faced the ten-foot high dirty clothes villain. But Tom’s face didn’t register any kind of shock. Kevin assumed his friend had stayed on the path, and he breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps Kevin wouldn’t have to read the tabloids for the next couple of weeks to make sure his home wasn’t a featured article after all.

  When the guys left a couple of hours later, Kevin returned to his earlier position. He found his recliner and spent what remained of the afternoon lounging around. The dishes from the barbeque were stacked up in the sink. The laundry was still piled on the floor. Cola cans and plastic containers still littered the coffee table and end tables.

  By one a.m., Kevin’s head was slung back against the top of the recliner and drool was running down his chin as he snored. A noise woke him. Catching sight of the clock, Kevin picked his sluggish body off the chair and headed for bed. Tomorrow. T
omorrow he’d get to work for sure.

  Chapter Three

  Sunday…

  The next day, the ringing of the phone woke him.

  “Hello,” Kevin answered in a sleep-filled voice.

  “Kevin! Kevin! Aren’t you up yet? You missed church again.”

  “Mom, is it you?”

  “Well, of course, it’s me. Who else would be calling your slovenly behind and trying to kick start your butt into gear? What’s wrong with you, boy?”

  “Ah, Mom.”

  “Don’t ‘ah, Mom’ me. It’s one in the afternoon! Are you coming over for dinner or not? I’ve been saving this plate until it has done gone cold.”

  How could it be so late? Kevin rolled over on his side and sat up. His body was sore and his head hurt something terrible.

  “Mom, I don’t believe I’m going to be able to make it. I’m not feeling so good.”

  “Are you sick?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “I bet you stayed up too late. Or it might have been something you ate. I bet that’s it. Or maybe…”

  Kevin’s head beat a steady rhythm of pain as his mother’s voice droned on and on. She’d attributed his not feeling well to everything from allergies to the President. It was obviously a government conspiracy to keep him from coming to visit.

  In reality it was probably nothing more than lingering in the bed too long. The longer Kevin slept, the more he wanted to sleep. Kevin’s theory was it was just a common case of lethargy.

  As his mother droned on and on, Kevin realized if he didn’t interrupt her soon, she would start a rundown of all the home remedies he could use as a cure. Her favorite “treatment” to recommend was castor oil, known to do everything from curing headaches and muscles pains to starting a woman’s labor. One of these days he expected her to recommend toadstools, batwings, or beaver claws as a cure.

  When his mother stopped to breathe, Kevin eased into the conversation. “I think I’ll feel better if I get up and move around. Besides, I’ve got too much work to do around here. I’ll come next Sunday, okay?”

  “You work too hard. You need to relax more.”

  “Ah, Mom. I promise to take my time. I’ll relax as much as I can. Don’t worry.” Moms! They always envisioned their babies slaving away. If they only knew!

  Kevin finally agreed with her. Doing so was the quickest way to get off the phone. When they hung up, Kevin laid back down and stared at the ceiling. Stretching his arms above his head to release his muscles, he rolled back to the side of the bed, sat up, and glanced around the room.

  Dirty clothes were scattered across the floor in huge piles. An odor of mildew pervaded his nostrils as he rifled through one of the piles trying to locate some clean clothes.

  He lifted each item and gave it the sniff test. Surely all of these weren’t dirty. But as he put them to his nose, a couple of pieces were so rank he carried them to the garbage can and threw them directly in.

  Next, Kevin headed toward the kitchen. His belly rumbled as he opened the refrigerator door. He stuck his head inside and groaned. Last night’s little soiree had more than cleaned him out. His freezer and icebox were almost completely empty. One inch of clabbered milk in the bottom of a gallon jug was all that remained. A loaf of bread covered in a layer of green fuzz and some lunchmeat dotted with black and white spots sat on the counter.

  Sighing internally, Kevin realized he was going to have to make a trip to the grocery store. Walking to his junk drawer, he rifled through the mess until he found a piece of paper. As he went to retrieve it, he found the drawer was stuck. He tugged and tugged, smiling when the paper came free, until he realized it hadn’t come alone. The heavy, wooden drawer popped out, landing with a thud on the floor. Its contents spilled everywhere. Batteries, screwdrivers, old bills, pens, pencils, and all matter of odds and ends littered the area.

  Kevin sighed. No sweat. He would pick it up later with everything else. Grabbing a pen from the mess, he pulled a chair out from under the small, round table, and sat down to make a list. Gnawing on the inside of his lip, Kevin had an idea. Maybe there was food inside the cabinets.

  Weaving around the mess on the floor, Kevin rifled through each of the cabinets, only finding a few empty cereal boxes and some rat droppings. Had he eaten out every day?

  Plopping back down at the table with a resounding sigh, Kevin pulled the paper close and set to work. After the list was ready, he grabbed his keys, hopped in the car, and drove to the local market.

  Shuffling into the store with confidence, he planned to get a few things and be out of here in no time. He could easily accomplish half of his tasks around the house today then spend the rest of the week enjoying himself with some nice relaxation.

  As Kevin swaggered down the aisle, the cold section came first. Looking at the list, he picked a few items and added them to the buggy. Couple of items to pop in the microwave, maybe a vegetable or two, and something to satisfy the sweet tooth. Kevin opened the freezer door and grabbed a gallon of milk. What he saw caused his jaw to drop open. Three dollars and forty-eight cents for one gallon of milk! Are these people nuts! Have cows gone on strike? Maybe they’ve formed a union. Surely this was it. Otherwise there would be no reason for milk to be so expensive.

  Thinking this would be his only incident of high prices, Kevin sighed, shook his head, and kept shopping. As he continued to walk through the aisles and pick up the items from the list, his irritation rose.

  Every product Kevin purchased had a price tag that caused him to cringe. Placing his hand in his back pocket, he pulled his wallet free. The soft leather opened in his hands. With a glance at what rested inside, he shook his head. Dollars counted, he realized if he purchased everything he needed then he might not be able to purchase that video game he wanted. Releasing a pent-up breath, his mind a whir, he tried to think of how he could save money. That was when he saw a couple of women grabbing little papers from a machine, and he went to investigate what they were doing. Following their example, he pulled one out and heard a whirring noise as another shot forward. The paper was a coupon for seventy-five cents off of pizza rolls. This was what he’d been looking for. A way to save money. Pizza rolls, he could eat them. For the right price, of course.

  It took two times down the frozen food aisle to find what he was looking for. When Kevin found the pizza rolls, he was shocked to find the product would still be over two dollars even with his little special piece of paper. He grunted and stuck the coupon in the freezer. Let someone else eat the things.

  Shaking his head with aggravation, Kevin backed out of the freezer. When he faced his buggy, he almost ran right into someone. It was Angela.

  “Oh, excuse me,” he said.

  “Kevin, is that you? I didn’t recognize you without your tie and dress clothes.”

  “Yeah, this is my secret identity. Relaxed man.”

  Angela covered her mouth, hiding a giggle. Clearing her throat, she shyly asked, “How are you enjoying your weekend? Have you completed any of your work yet?”

  “Work?”

  “Yeah, I mean those things you wanted to get done around the house. You know, mowing the lawn, fixing the pavers. I heard you and the guys talking at work. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your conversation in the break room. It was just, you know, impossible not to overhear.”

  “Yeah, we weren’t exactly being quiet.” Hastily he tried to review the conversation from the break room in his mind to make sure he hadn’t said anything inappropriate.

  “You know if you need any help, I’ve finished some of my own projects. I could come over and help with yours. I have vacation this week too.”

  Kevin immediately answered, “Naw, I got it. But thanks for the offer.”

  “Okay.”

  Kevin sensed some regret. Surely Angela didn’t actually want to come over and help him clean? He scratched his head before saying, “Well, I guess I better get going. Those projects aren’t going to fix themselves.”


  “Yeah, sure.”

  Kevin left her there, feeling the heat from her gaze as she continued to stare at his retreating form. A quick glance at his wristwatch showed the time as four o’clock. He’d spent two hours in here! He finished quickly and ran to the check out.

  His total bill was over three hundred dollars. He couldn’t believe it. Of course, his bill wouldn’t have been so bad had he not been out of everything. Soap, dishwashing liquid, laundry detergent, how had he let it get so out of hand? He needed to think of a better system.

  Kevin argued with himself all the way home. Not only was he upset about the money, but now another day had passed by and he’d still not gotten anything done. It was okay, right? After all, he had all week.

  Chapter Four

  When Kevin pulled into his driveway, he groaned. His front yard was free of clutter but the grass was still ankle high. How come the imaginary gremlins hadn’t dropped by while he was out and cleaned this up for him? Seemed he would just have to do it himself.

  Shaking his head, Kevin emerged from his vehicle. The flag was down on the mailbox, so he headed there first. As he walked, he plotted out his work. First he probably needed to straighten the house up. Do the laundry, dishes, and that kind of thing. Or maybe he should mow. The yard was the first thing people saw. Everything else could be hidden. Yeah, it could work. Mow tomorrow.

  Once Kevin closed the lid on the empty mailbox, he walked back to the car. His jobs outlined in his mind, he popped the trunk open and peered inside. It was loaded with bag upon bag of groceries. With a grunt, he picked up four plastic bags in each hand and headed toward the door. The thin plastic handles threatened to slice the meaty part of his fingers in two.

  When finally Kevin reached the front door of his two-bedroom cottage home, he attempted to shift all eight bags to one hand. He needed one hand free to dig in his pocket for the door keys. But as the bags shifted, one split, causing an avalanche of large metal cans to rain down on his sandaled feet. Gasping out loud, Kevin dropped the remaining seven bags to the ground. Their contents spilled out onto the concrete stoop and rolled over into the grass.